You are running late to school on a Monday at 8 am because your 6-year-old daughter refuses to dress.
She wails, “I want to put on my pink polka dot shirt!”
Every morning, you go through the same thing. The same problem, but a different outfit. You want your daughter to be independent, so you let her choose her clothing. But lately, it feels like power struggles.
“But, I want to wear that!” she shouts while stomping on the floor.
Take a deep breath and watch the tantrum unfold. She throws clean clothes across the room and then sits defiantly on the floor, her face ablaze with anger.
You may wonder what I should do.
Oh, friend, I’ve been there too. We created this FREE PARENTING WEBINAR to help parents calm down in stressful situations.
You resist the urge to scream at her as your temper rises. You’re tired of her outbursts, and you want to leave the room. This kind of bratty behavior will no longer be tolerated.
Is it really bratty? Is she trying to trick you into letting your daughter wear whatever outfit she wants or even skipping school?
Is this another type of tantrum or a similar one?
Not all tantrums have the same characteristics. Scientists have discovered that tantrums can be classified into two distinct types based on the area of the brain that is firing.
Imagine it as a home…
The Whole-Brain Child
It is not necessary to be an architect of the highest caliber to understand that a good foundation is essential for any home worth building. The foundation is the first layer of progress. Each subsequent layer builds on the previous one.
Both the upstairs and downstairs components of our brains work similarly.
Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, in their book “The Whole-Brain Child,” present the idea that the brain, especially a child’s, is like a two-story home. Although the upstairs and the downstairs are two parts of one whole, their purposes are vastly different.
It makes sense to understand how your child’s brain is wired. Like a building under construction, it is the lower portion of the brain that is responsible for emotions and decision-making. The brain’s upstairs section, responsible for higher thinking and impulse control, takes much longer to build.
You can tell if your child is having a tantrum by determining which part of the brain they are using. You can handle the situation better if you know where the tantrum comes from.
Tantrums Downstairs/Meltdown Tantrums
You are at the mall with a five-year-old child.
You and your partner had a difficult time getting up this morning after a sleepless evening spent addressing his frightening dreams. You had to run some errands in town, so you gave him a granola and rushed out the door.
You decided to stay at the mall to avoid traffic and wait out a storm.
You enter, the water on the floor dripping, and you are chilled to the bones. He spots the horse carousel. This is his favorite ride.
Please! Please!”
You decide to treat him with a ride because it’s been a tough day. When you open your wallet, you discover that it is empty.
You say, “I’m so sorry, honey,”. I don’t have money. You can’t ride today.”
He sticks out his lower lip and darkens his face.
“But, I want to ride on it,” he whispers.
“I am sorry, but there is nothing I can do.”
Heaving sobs erupt from his chest as big tears start to fall down his cheeks. He falls on the floor, slamming his fists against the tiles.
You begin to notice that people are staring at him, but he does not.
When you try to hug him, his body becomes limp, and he starts crying louder. You try to calm the tantrum, but nothing works. You quickly pick him up, and you carry him to the door.
You want to calm him down. You feel helpless and sympathetic.
What happened?
Your son has hit a brick wall after a night of little sleep and a morning of little food.
This is an example of a tantrum in the basement. Also called a meltdown.
The brain’s lower portion was constructed first, just like the house. Since birth, it has helped control basic functions, emotions, and behaviors, including anger and sadness, flight or fight and fear.
The downstairs brain is easily affected by external conditions. The combination of a little sleep the night before and a rushed day without much food made a meltdown not only possible but highly probable. The fact that the child did not get to ride the pony was the trigger for the tantrum.
Upstairs/Manipulative Tantrums
You are at the mall with a five-year-old child.
You and your partner slept in today, then enjoyed a delicious breakfast of eggs, bacon, and pancakes before heading out to run errands.
You decided to stop by your son’s favorite lunch restaurant at the mall. The sun was shining, and the birds were singing.
He spots the small horse carousel just a few stores down as you leave the restaurant. This is his favorite ride.
Please! Please!”
You decide to treat him with a ride because he’s been good all day. When you take out your wallet, you discover that it is empty.
You say, “I’m so sorry, honey,” you. I don’t have money. You can’t ride today.”
Your sweet, well-behaved boy suddenly disappears.
“But, I want to ride on it!” he shouts.
He also starts to notice that people are staring at him. It only fuels his desire to create a spectacle. He jumps up on the horse, wrapping his arms around its neck.
He yells, “I’m not leaving until I get a ride!”
You lift him and begin to pull him towards the door. He crumples down to the ground, letting his body fall limp. You can only stand by him in disbelief, staring wide-eyed at his sudden change of attitude.
You feel frustrated, angry, and embarrassed at his behavior.
Your perfect day is over.
Your son had an excellent night’s rest, a healthy appetite, and a positive attitude. What happened?
This is an example of a tantrum upstairs. Also called a manipulative temper tantrum.
The child uses this tantrum to get what he wants. This tantrum is for a ride on the carousel of his choice.
This is the part of the brain your son uses to think and plan, which is why he’s manipulative. He probably knew from previous experience that a tantrum would get him the result he desired and acted accordingly.
This same part of the brain also controls his ability to think calmly. It takes longer for it to mature because it is so much more complex than the brain below. Your son’s upstairs mind won’t develop fully until he’s in his 20s!
It also explains meltdowns. It’s easy for the child’s mind to lose control when the upstairs brain doesn’t work properly.
What Tantrum is which?
It can be difficult to tell the difference between two different types of temper tantrums in toddlers. Knowing the differences is important because each tantrum must be treated differently.
How can you tell the difference? You are the most important factor, not your child.
That’s right. Your reaction to the tantrum. What does it do to you?
If your child’s tantrum makes you feel helpless or sympathetic, it is likely a tantrum that took place downstairs.
Why? Your child can’t help but have a meltdown. The child doesn’t mean to misbehave, but they can’t control their emotions without help from a more mature brain.
You need to calm their storm and help them to work through their emotions.
The tantrum will likely leave you feeling angry, frustrated, or irritated. You are being manipulated.
Final Thoughts
We’ve all experienced a tantrum from a toddler at some point. They are unique.
It’s never a pretty thing to experience a sexual assault, whether it happens in public – where you feel like everyone is staring at you – or in your home. It’s never pretty.
Understanding the type of tantrums that you are dealing with can be a huge help. You can deal with tantrums more effectively if you are equipped with the appropriate tools.
The course Positive Parenting Solutions (r) is full of useful tools and strategies that will help you handle temper tantrums in any situation, at any age, anywhere.
