Nixing Negativity Part 1: Ditching the “Don’t”

Nixing Negativity Part 1: Ditching the “Don’t”

How many times would you say the four-letter word that you hated as a child: don’t?

Our no-do n’ts and other commands can cause more harm than good. They affect how our children perceive themselves, as well as the level of cooperation that they offer.

Changing the words that we use can help us to make our actions match our intentions.

First, let’s understand three reasons why “don’t” doesn’t always work:

No, and “don’t,” however, can be very discouraging. Imagine someone in your life, such as a spouse or boss, who started most of their communications with you by using these words.

Our kids are not exempt. It doesn’t take much to make you feel bad about yourself. We want our children to have a good self-image. Our language should reflect that.

Negative commands can be confusing. I lead a class exercise in which I give parents a list of “don’t”: “Don’t sit down, Don’t look at me. Don’t stand still. Forth.

They look like deer in headlights as they process what to do and what not to do.

The same problems face our children.

Negative commands such as “don’t” or “no” demand double mental processing: first, our children must understand what to avoid, then they have to figure out what to do in their place.

Unknowingly, we make the situation more confusing. This reduces their likelihood of cooperating.

This reinforces negative behaviors. Ironically, if I told you to “don’t do it,” you would probably reach out and touch your face.

The same is true for our children. Instead of encouraging our children to complete their homework, we encourage them by saying, “Don’t disturb your brother while they’re studying.”

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