Not one child behaves perfectly in school. No one.
Let’s get rid of the labels. No need to label children as “good” or “bad,” “troublemakers” or “bullies.”
Why? Every school year and every day, there are a thousand variables in play.
A call from the principal informing you of behavior issues is still concerning. It is disturbing to hear a teacher express her frustrations during a parent/teacher conference. It’s heartbreaking to see the result of a difficult day at school on a child.
In school, kids learn more than just academics. In a shared school environment, they learn to be respectable and decent classmates. On that path, there’s a good chance they will stumble.
It doesn’t matter if it is a single incident or a regular problem; how we deal with a student’s misbehavior at school can impact the child’s self-worth and lead to less or further misbehavior. It’s important to use words and actions that are appropriate and strategic when dealing with misbehavior.
And in the ideal case, parents and educators should be on the same page.
Here’s what to do when school misbehavior happens:
Keep calm, empathize, and find the root cause
Some parents, when notified of behavior problems at school, jump into a defensive mode. This is understandable. It’s your responsibility to protect your children because you know what a great kid they are. Misbehavior in school must be justified.
Was there something in the classroom that caused this disruption?
Is this teacher being overly dramatic?
What if it was someone else’s kid who started it, and my kid got the blame?
Some parents may automatically blame their children for any misbehavior, thinking that there is no excuse.
The best way to proceed is to collect all the information before making any assumptions.
Please encourage your child to share their concerns and feelings while listening to their side of the story. Assure your child that you will hear without judgment and blame.
By maintaining a calm demeanor and voice, you will encourage your children to open up. By empathizing, you will prevent your child from getting defensive.
You want to identify the cause of the bad behavior without creating a power battle. That’s it.
Finding the cause (or causes, since there could be multiple contributing factors), as opposed to managing symptoms retroactively, is proactive in addressing the problem.
The root causes may be superficial. They can also be a result of unmet needs.
The author of The Explosive Child and a psychologist, Dr. Ross Greene, says, “Kids are successful when they have the opportunity to be.” If a child struggles, there’s always a reason behind it.
Pro tip: For Positive Parenting Solutions members, view or review our Expert Series, The Explosive Child.
When talking to and listening to your children, you can ask them the following questions.
- What is her sense and importance in the classroom?
- Does he require more positive power at school?
- Does she feel discouraged?
- Does the teacher show understanding and support?
- Do other personalities in her class clash with hers as well?
- Was he labeled a “troublemaker”?
- Is he prone to impulse control problems?
- Does attention or learning differ?
You may have found the root cause if you can answer any of these questions with “yes.” Or one of the contributing factors.
So, what’s next?
Protecting our children from bullying
Communication and Collaboration with Teachers and Schools
As you would listen to your child calmly, without judgment, try to pay attention to the teacher or administrator when they alert you to misbehavior. Gather all the information that you can, and don’t jump to conclusions.
Request a meeting for adults only with the school counselor or teacher to better understand the problem. It could help to avoid miscommunications that are often caused by emails and text messages.
Ask the teacher what they need from you during the conference.
Now that you have all the necessary information, it is time to come together as a group. You can create a two-pronged strategy to address the problem through open and honest communication between you and teachers. Both parties must set clear expectations of each other. This means being open to the guidance and suggestions of the school for dealing with the problem.
It is also an excellent time to discuss what you do at home to encourage your child to behave in the best way possible.
It’s possible that your child’s teacher is not familiar with how you help them. You can share with your child the positive parenting techniques that you have found to be most effective.
Download the following: Link to download: Three strategies for sharing with your child’s school teacher and encouraging phrases to use by teachers.
Tell the teacher that these are not proactive techniques but rather band-aid solutions to bad behavior. You can use these positive parenting techniques to give your child a sense of belonging and to make them less likely to act out.
It’s time to put some of these positive parenting strategies into practice. This is a great opportunity for both you and the school.
Start with a supercharged method…
Reinforce positive behavior (the right way!)
Children who are unable to follow the expectations of their teachers will be corrected and directed constantly. In class, they are frequently called out by name and reprimanded for their actions. They may also hear similar criticisms at home.
They begin to think that they are “bad” children. Guess what? The behavior of the children is getting worse.
To break this cycle, celebrate and reward a child for their positive behavior. Children should receive at least as many positive reinforcements as they do negative ones, if not more.
Vivian Brault is my mentor for positive parenting. She used the following analogy.
Imagine saying to your prized rose bush, “I will start fertilizing you after you bloom the way I know you are capable of.”
Switch to parenting. If my children start to behave well, I will encourage them.
Now, it is clear that this retroactive method will fail. First, positive reinforcement and encouragement are needed.
You don’t reward your children for their achievements. You can’t cite your child with money, candy, or praise.
Encouragement is better. It verbally reinforces your child’s positive behavior and makes them feel great about themselves. We can’t give them the satisfaction they deserve if we focus on how they make us or offer an external reward.
Consider the following examples:
I heard that your teacher said you were talking less in class. This makes me very happy !”
Or…
Your teacher said that you have been really working hard to pay attention and listen to instructions. She said that it helped other children in the class to focus as well. You must be so proud of your progress!
Notice how the emphasis is on what our child must be feeling. We don’t wish to condition our children to please us or others. We want our kids to be motivated to succeed for themselves. This is the type of motivation that does not rely on other people and lasts.
Encouragement phrases (which emphasize effort and improvement) are often unintentionally mixed with praise. This is why I have included a list of encouraging words that you can send to your child’s teacher for a quick reference. Some teachers may already be familiar with the difference between praise and encouragement, while others might not.
Download Link: Encouragement Phrases for Teachers & Administrators.
Please download and share with your child’s teachers
This list will give your child’s teachers a variety of phrases to choose from. Students who are acting out can feel inspired instead of defeated.
It might seem counterintuitive, but I encourage children who are misbehaving. But the child is already disenchanted enough.
It’s important to intentionally highlight positive behaviors, no matter how large or small they may be.
Set clear expectations at home without consequences
When a child gets into trouble at school, a common reaction is to discipline him at home. They need to know how serious it is.
Please don’t issue consequences at home if your child misbehaves at school.
If a child is misbehaving at school, such as pulling someone’s wig, screaming at the teacher or running out of a class like she was trying to escape, it must be dealt with when and where this happens. You can trust that the teacher at your child’s school has handled the situation according to school protocol.
Children’s feelings of discouragement, insignificance, and resentment are only exacerbated by applying consequences at home.
You must first show your child empathy, as getting into trouble is likely to have been embarrassing and upsetting for them. Then, it would be best if you focused on training and communication. Discuss alternative ways to handle the situation with your child. Role play is a great way to help your child learn what he can do differently in a similar situation.
Be a positive role model
We should always demonstrate the values and behaviors we want to teach our children. We lead our children by example.
Make sure that your home is nurturing and supportive. Create a home where your child can feel safe, loved, and respected.
This doesn’t mean that there won’t ever be disagreements or difficult days. There is no perfect solution! Parents can be abrasive with their children (and even each other!) They realize that they overreacted. Some days, siblings will be at each other’s throats, screaming hateful words and wondering what to do.
When families disagree or are frustrated with each other, modeling “Sorry” after we have done or said something regrettable teaches children that we all need to be held accountable for our actions.
Misbehavior will plummet when kids are able to transfer their attitudes, feelings, and actions to school.
Teach kids how to manage classroom conflicts
Our role is to teach children how to deal with conflicts and frustrations respectfully and responsibly.
It starts with not reacting too quickly and placing blame on others when we are told about bad behavior. This extends to problem solving skills.
It’s not necessary to wait until. A real-life situation occurs to teach your children how to resolve conflict at home. Take time for training and role-play are two positive parenting solutions(r) that you can use together.
These tools guide children through problem-solving with peers or authority figures that are likely to arise one day.
Your daughter may be struggling to stay still in class while she should be doing independent work. You ask your daughter if she can sit in a chair and pretend to be a teacher.
You begin “teaching” your daughter a lesson. But she gets up and starts running around. You tell Carla “Hey Carla, I can see you’re getting restless.” Would you rather do 15 jumping jacks next to your desk than run around the classroom?
“I’ll tell you something-if you move quietly and without disturbing other children, I’ll allow you to do that whenever you feel the need to move!”
Now comes the fun part. You can play with the child while your child is the teacher. She’ll likely repeat much of what she heard, making the lesson doubly memorable.
It’s the Role Play tool. It’s a great way to practice real-world problem solving in a non-confrontational manner! With the Role-Play Tool, you’re spending time teaching what to do the next time around!
Share any great solutions you may have during this exercise with your teacher.
Keep Calm and Carry on
It may take time for a child’s school misbehaviors. You may need to stay in touch with the school staff and teachers so that you can keep tabs on your child’s progress and setbacks.
It’s important to remember that you shouldn’t project your own anxiety onto your children. When we pick up children who are struggling at school, we ask them nervously, “How was your morning?” Have you been in trouble at school?
Even our bated breathing tells children we are worried. Our doubts about their abilities loom large in the air.
Ouestions, without intending to micromanage or undermine them in any way, have done just that.
We can assume that our children have had a good day, even if we are not actively involved in their progress. It shows them that we are confident in their actions.
You’ll still know if they had a bad day based on the communication you have with school staff. Encourage teachers to send you a private message if they have a problem. This will prevent a child from being exposed to on-the spot, public discussions that may further erode their self-confidence.
If Needed, Seek Professional Assistance
Misbehavior persists despite our combined efforts.
In this case, you may need to address underlying emotional issues or behavior issues.
Do not let this discourage you! On-the-spot help from a child psychologist (developmental), counselor, or therapist. There are many strategies and interventions available that can be tailored for your child.
Final Thoughts
If your child is in trouble at school, it does not mean that they are “bad.” They need a lot of attention and care rather than admonishing them.
Positive parenting is a powerful tool to combat misbehavior at home as well as in school. I encourage you to work with the school and implement positive discipline practices.
Soon, you will see a dramatic improvement in the behavior and happiness of your students. When the notion of a “bad kid” dissipates so do the number of bad days.
